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Why do I feel so lonely? Here are 5 reasons why you feel so lonely.

5 reasons why you feel  so lonely.

We all have days when we feel so alone and feel like we don't belong anywhere. Especially in winter, this feeling can be amplified and associated with a winter blues. The feeling of loneliness can make the days feel very long. No matter what we do, this unbearable feeling remains palpable. Even when we are with others we can still feel so alone. But how is this possible? When we are with others, we shouldn't feel alone, right? In this blog article I list the 5 most common reasons for loneliness.


There is a big misconception that only elderly people who have no one can be lonely. Research has even shown that young people feel often more lonely than older people. Above all, they miss a close bond with others, feel abandoned or experience emptiness around them.


5 most common reasons for feeling lonely

1. We don't listen to ourselves

It may sound vague because we are not used to it, but it is very important to learn to listen to ourselves. Without listening to ourselves we cannot feel connected. We can do this through breathing exercises or by sitting down and focusing on the parts where we hold tension. This allows us to listen better to what our body needs from us and make better choices that are in line with what we actually want. If we undertake activities or meet people that we would rather not be with, we will be left with an empty feeling. This empty feeling will ultimately only create an even stronger sense of loneliness if we don't listen to what we actually need. It can be helpful to ask yourself the day before you go out for a drink or a family activity with that one friend to ask yourself whether you really want that or whether you are doing it to please others.


2. No one listens to us sincerely

Another common reason for loneliness is that no one sincerely listens to us. As humans we need connections, this is our human instinct. Hundreds of years ago it was necessary for our survival. If we had no connection with others, we could be thrown out of the group and survival would be impossible. This instinct is still sharpened in us as humans, but we are less aware of it due to daily distractions. We distract ourselves so much from everything through Netflix, Social Media and the news that we no longer consciously focus on this. That's why it seems almost impossible to make a genuine connection with someone. If someone is so busy distracting themselves and not listening to themselves, then he/she cannot possibly listen to you. This is a major problem in today's society and causes a lot of loneliness.


3. We connect with others for the wrong reasons (trauma)

When we make connections with others, it often happens that we choose people who, for example, show traits of our parents or who can fill something that we ourselves are missing. When we make these connections, it may feel nice in the short term, but ultimately this feeling of emptiness will only strengthen within us. We enter into a connection that our deepest self does not want to enter into, we then put on a mask in order to belong. Only our true self can make a genuine connection, not our mask. It is therefore important to ask yourself whether we have a genuine connection with someone or a 'toxic' connection. I call it toxic because it is not healthy for both parties and ultimately causes even more emptiness and loneliness. For example, you can quickly recognize this if you notice that during a conversation with someone your cheeks and ears glow red, at a certain point you can no longer listen properly and you literally become tired. This can also take place afterwards when you go home, because your body can then completely relax and have space to process all the stimuli.


4. We don't know how to socialize anymore

You probably know it, we used to have a chat when we were waiting for the bus or sometimes we would talk to someone at random. Nowadays, since the advent of telephones, this no longer seems possible. Normally you looked around you on the train, for example, you didn't really have anything else to do. Nowadays you have to be happy if someone even looks up from their screen. A sincere conversation or eye contact has become almost impossible due to all the external distractions. Actually, we are not made to live in a city where we hardly know anyone. Hundreds of years ago we still lived in tribes and knew everyone in our village. Our brain is also set up for this and is continuously subconsciously looking for validation that it is safe. That's why it's so important to get a sincere look sometimes when you look around you, so that you feel that you are valued, accepted and allowed to be there. However, in today's society this is becoming less and less common, which in turn reinforces our feeling of insecurity and therefore also our feeling of loneliness. Because even a sincere smile or a greeting can make someone's day.


5. We live in a society with many taboos

Even though it seems like we are an open society, there are still many taboos, especially on the mental level. We often have to (unconsciously) forget many parts of ourselves. We indicate that crying is okay and that we can set boundaries, but in reality we have the feeling that we are not allowed to cry, not to be afraid and to talk about our mental state 'at home alone' where it is often not accepted. is. If we sincerely let someone know how things are going, people often shrug off and move on to another topic. However, this deeply affects our true self, when parts of us are rejected, we develop a negative association with these feelings and often reject or feel ashamed of them ourselves. By rejecting this and not fully listening to ourselves, we separate ourselves from our true selves. This makes us feel lonely and gives us the feeling of being left out. Questions often arise: 'Why can't I be normal? Why am I always left out? or Why can't I make a genuine connection?' Know that it is not your fault, if you are sincere it is unfortunately very difficult to click with someone in this society. The question is 'Do you prefer to be connected to yourself or do you prefer, like most people, to have a fake connection with others and do you actually feel even more lonely?'


Know that you are not the only one who feels lonely and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Research on loneliness has shown that more than half of adult people feel lonely and even 1 in 7 people feel very lonely. If we are all more open to genuinely listening and talking about it, we can break the taboo and reduce loneliness among us all!

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