We all feel insecure sometimes and that is something human. Feeling insecure even makes ourselves more open to feedback and needed change. But what if we feel insecure every day and it feels like this feeling never ends? In this blog I explain why the trait of insecurity is so important for humans, why we are excessively insecure and I give 3 tips to experience a healthy form of insecurity again.
Why we as humans have been given the trait of 'feeling insecure'
When you feel insecure, you will often have the urge to overthink and play out every scenario in your head. You then already know when the situation actually happens how you will react and act, because you have already considered all options if necessary. This used to allow us to better assess dangerous situations and prepare for them, for example what we would do if we encountered a tiger.
We have also been given the trait of insecurity, so that we fit better into a group. We used to live in tribes, so if you were thrown out of your tribe you were already written up as dead. That's why it was very important to be able to empathize with someone else.
Furthermore, uncertainty also ensures that we continue to learn. In the past, it was important to continuously focus on improvement. It was not self-evident that the crops would grow well every year or that you would survive extreme cold. These points all contribute to the survival instinct of humans.
Excessive Uncertainty
Nowadays we have almost no threats anymore, but we still use the same mechanism. We think about what we shouldn't wear tomorrow, think about a joke we told that didn't make anyone laugh or worry about whether our package will arrive on time for our niece her birthday. We often worry about what others think of us. As a child you are completely dependent on your parents/guardian, but in our adult lives we often pretend that this is still the case.
'By being trapped in this trance of fear and overthinking, we become more and more insecure about ourselves.'
Excessive insecurity often arises because we feel like we are not good enough. In a society like this it is also difficult to feel worthy enough. We are taught from an early age that we should be ashamed of ourselves and that we are only worth something when we achieve something. Our vulnerable sides may certainly not be there, but we must do everything we can to hide them. Actually, in this society there is a taboo on many things: crying, anger, fear, imperfection, excessive happiness, sex, losing etc. This only increases our insecurity. It feels like everything related to these taboos should be hidden and ashamed of.
We live in a society with the motto: 'Fake it till you make it'. It doesn't matter how you get somewhere, as long as you get there. Social media and new technology such as Photoshop expose us to 'perfection'. All imperfections are photoshopped away and body operations are often performed beforehand (facelifts, etc.). This creates a completely wrong image: I can only achieve something if I look/am perfect. You can already understand that this causes a lot of uncertainty among young people. This is also the case at work, bosses are more likely to attract people who pretend to be very good and fit perfectly with the company, rather than people who are insecure and can actually do the job much better. This only increases the trance of uncertainty. We actually feel not good enough in every way, because we have to meet a standard of a robot that does everything perfect.
It can be quite difficult to become aware of this on your own and also not to get carried away by the demands of others. That's why I have three tips that can help you feel more confident in a society like this.
Tip 1. Become aware of your situation and the traumas you have suffered
It is important to become aware of the situation you are in now. Do I feel free or do I feel trapped? Do I hang out with people who give me energy or do they attract a lot of energy from me? Do I feel good enough or do I think I shouldn't be there? If so, why am I not good enough? By continuing to ask questions and keep reasoning, you will find out what is going on with you and you can tackle what you are struggling with. For example, if you don't feel good enough, find out where this comes from. Do I really think so myself or have others imposed this thought on me? It is often the case that values ​​are programmed into us by others, since we adopt the values ​​of our parents from an early age. This means that for the rest of our lives, unless we become aware of it, we let ourselves suffer from programmed values.
Everyone experiences trauma throughout life. Some people experience more than others, of course, but this does not mean that less intense traumas do not have an impact. A trauma, for example, is that you are punished for crying. As a result, you will see crying (and therefore a part of yourself) as something bad and you will be constantly afraid to show this emotion, because you now associate crying with punishment. Your body will also link it to mortal danger, since that is a human reaction to rejection. Hundreds of years ago we needed a group to survive and now as a child we need caregivers to get through our youth. This may not seem to have a very big impact, but it actually affects your entire life.
Tip 2. Try to compare as little as possible and learn to trust yourself
Insecurity arises the moment we give power to others over ourselves. When we allow the power over what is good or not to depend on someone else, there will no longer be room for our own identity. When we feel confident, we rely on our personal intuition to tell us what is best to do. We can only return to our intuition if we learn to listen to ourselves and start asking ourselves questions more often. Why do I feel insecure right now? What do I experience in my body and where do I feel tension? Is there an emotion underlying my uncertainty such as fear? Only if we keep asking ourselves questions will we be able to get closer to our true core. Emotions want to be heard and insecurity also wants to be told that it can be there. Only when we learn to listen to the feelings within us will we be able to pave the way to our true self. Emotions have peaks and valleys, and if we never listen to our body in between, this will just bottle up. Only if we pay attention to it, will eventually normal emotion regulation be achieved, where the uncertainty is no longer enormous but in a healthy amount.
Tip 3. Write down in a journal and name mantras
Writing in a journal makes it easier to gain an overview of your current situation. A journal helps enormously to express your emotions. Ultimately you have insight into whether you are making progress or not, after all, it is all written down. It is important to be continuously open minded and to keep asking yourself questions. You can also write down or recite mantras to feel that you are good the way you are.
Some mantras that could help you during feelings of uncertainty are:
- I am always good enough, I don't have to prove myself;
- My imperfect sides may also be there, that is what makes me human;
- I'm okay with my insecurity;
- I can never be embarrassed, when others laugh at me it says something about them, not about me;
- No one can tell me what I am doing right or not, I can decide that myself.