We all sometimes don't feel good about ourselves or sometimes think that life has no meaning. But what if this is every day and we also experience the unbearable feeling of loneliness? How do we get out of this seemingly endless vicious circle? And how do we pick up our lives again?
In the article 'Depressive feelings, will I suffer from this all my life?' you can read more information on what it means to be depressed.
Loneliness
Even when we are with others, we can still feel so alone. For example, we go to work, go out with friends every weekend and visit our family regularly. Yet we often feel very alone and drained when we leave this group of people. It sometimes feels more like short-term gratification rather than fueling our daily lives. This will be more the case with some people than others, but in today's society there is a great shortage of people who can really listen and are interested in who your really are. It is therefore not surprising that it is increasingly reported in the news that young people are feeling more lonely and depressed.
A basic human need is to be heard and seen. This is very important, especially in the first 5 years of a child, as a child either develops into a healthy individual or becomes separated from his/her identity. Many children suffer from this as grownups and often follow others or become the leader who often shows narcissistic traits. They both do this to fill their emptiness, they often feel not good enough, loathe themselves and experience a lot of emotional pain. The result is a society in which the majority no longer have an identity, do not dare to be vulnerable and are in unhealthy relationships based on trauma.
Only when we learn to love and appreciate ourselves we can be open to others. Since most people did not receive the attention and appreciation they needed in their youth, a gap has arisen between our real self (true identity) and our mask (ego). Loneliness arises from this gaping hole that has been created. Only when we learn to listen to our true self can we experience satisfaction and genuine connection, sincere connection is impossible from our mask. We cannot recognize or accept our weaknesses through our mask, because our mask contains no core, only an endless void created by the rejection of our real self.
What is the relationship between loneliness and depression?
Depression means that we feel down for a longer period of time (often several months) and don't feel like doing anything. I fell into a depression when I was young, about 14 years old. I slept poorly, felt extremely gloomy and preferred to stay in bed all day. Depression often arises when we can no longer find satisfaction in life. At my parents' house I was not allowed to have an opinion, the blame was always mine and I was not listened to. Since I had to wear a mask at home all the time, I did this everywhere, including at school. As a result, I attracted the wrong friends at school who were similar to my parents, which only caused me to go deeper in a negative spiral.
Years later I only became aware of this, everyone becomes aware in a different way, but for me the decisive factor was the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. Previously, I did not want to look at my own home situation, because it made me feel guilty towards my parents. But when my girlfriend gave me this book and there were so many recognizable situations in it, I could no longer ignore it. Ultimately, I am extremely grateful that this happened, as that was when my life could only begin. By learning to listen to my feelings and realizing that I was not to blame for everything my parents said, I was gradually able to overcome my depression and feel less lonely.
These types of events often make us feel extremely lonely. Even if you don't feel like you have had such a bad home situation, everyone experiences things that influence our lives. We are often not aware of it, but we experience more trauma than you think. Furthermore, there are many social influences that control our lives, such as the standard of having to be the best, looking good, being ashamed of your imperfections and the taboos surrounding expressing emotions and sex. You won't often hear people say: I walked into a lamppost today or I farted at work today. While these are everyday things that can happen to people. We will therefore not often act vulnerable, as we have the feeling that we are not good enough. As a result, something beautiful is lost: the sincere connection with ourselves, between people and the world. We are so ashamed of our real selves that we constantly want to prove that we are good enough and unfortunately that also involves a lot of lies. All this causes great loneliness among us all, which in the long term can cause depression.
Some tips to feel less lonely without the help of others
1. Become aware of your situation
Only when we become aware of our past and our patterns can we begin to heal. Loneliness actually involves a feeling of emptiness and healing brings just the opposite, feeling complete. Especially by continuously asking yourself questions such as: Why do I feel so alone? Am I living from my true core or am I playing a role? Do I deal with people who help me or do they keep me in old and toxic patterns? By asking ourselves such questions and becoming aware of why we do things the way we do them, we can learn to choose instead of being dragged into our own unconscious patterns. For example, we can choose to give up 'friends' who do not suit us or to spend more time with ourselves. Furthermore, we can also become aware by observing others. This means that we feel within ourselves what the other person radiates, what his/her behavior is and why this person does things a certain way without condemning or putting it down. Basically you're trying to see under someone's mask. This way we can ultimately choose more consciously with whom we do or do not want to associate, or with whom it does or does not make sense to form a bond with.
2. Love yourself more
By loving ourselves, we can break toxic patterns that separate ourselves from our true core. We learn from an early age that we have to prove ourselves, that we are only good enough if we do everything our parents/authorities say and don't deserve to be happy. These patterns have often been passed on for decades by all our ancestors. It is therefore extremely important to become aware of this and stop punishing ourselves for the 'mistakes' we make. After all, we are human, so learning and imperfections are part of life.
We can love ourself more by talking to ourself: I am good as I am, I can be just as good as anyone else and my imperfections can also be there. The less we punish ourselves and treat ourselves with unconditional love, the less lonely we will feel. For example, plan rest breaks during the day, so that you really make time for yourself. This will help you build a better bond with yourself and understand yourself more.
3. Reading books
For me it helped a lot to read books. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach was a real salvation at a time when I felt extremely lonely. I didn't think a book could make me feel heard, but reading the stories of others who are also struggling can bring compassion for yourself. You then realize that you are not alone. There is no personal problem, there is a good chance that millions of others are currently struggling with it or have struggled with it in the past. When we learn to see this, we learn that we are all connected at our core and are all imperfect humans.